The Mountains Show The Way

Life is this beautiful process that we can either sit back and watch or step in and play the game.

There was a time when I sat back and watched my moments and days pass me by. Reminiscing, this is what I needed to do at the time, out of some sort of protection. I’m not certain as to why this is how I needed to act, but this point of my life was filled with tremendous darkness. It feels like a miracle to consider that I did make it through this time. I did not know what was going to happen. When one feels hopeless, it’s hard to imagine any future at all.

There is one force I must name and give thanks to that I believe saved me and kept me going, that is, family and friends. Without loved ones being there and supporting me, even though I had nothing to give, I really cannot say what would have happened but the fire in me was certainly burning out.

My response to the darkness was total recklessness. I figured if I didn’t care much for living, I might as well push the edge in every way. That usually came with absolute carelessness in my decisions, often putting myself in highly risky environments. My go-to was skating, pounding the ground after one failed trick attempt after another. If I wasn’t on the board, I would be in the forest seeking high cliff faces or in the mountains exploring the alpine with thunderstorms or blizzards rolling in. I didn’t care, I found it exciting, and the adrenaline felt good. If I’m going to die, I said to myself, I might as well “live fully.”

What happens when we give up? We can certainly try and sometimes we will succeed, but that will be the end of this life. But sometimes, we won’t have that option. Sometimes, something will get in our way, something will prevent us from acting, from going forward with that choice, not that we’re even sure what we want. Then, we start to see, our minds take on an unfamiliar perspective, and we start realizing and feeling some beauty in the world. It may come on slowly and just be one small occurrence on one random day, but it will be there and will be just enough to get us to the next day.

Then we may take some small action. We may DECIDE to do something, something ever so tiny but it’s enough. It’s the first time in a long time that we are stepping in and taking control, being an agent of our lives. It is this choice that is defining and that makes all the difference. It’s the moment we decide and then again and the feeling of autonomy and freedom is felt, ever so slightly, the feeling that “I can do something.” I can create. I can build. I am alive and this is a miracle.

We may find the feeling of love. Feeling love for people, for life, for our calling. When the feeling of love takes over, our perception and approach to living and existence start to look radically different. It is no longer about us, alone, in isolation, but it is about us, together, shared moments, smiles, laughter, and tears of joy. When love is felt, it takes us to a different place, it is a different dimension of being human, of being alive. Love makes living worth it. It’s hard to describe why but it’s just this feeling of being seen and cared for while mutually caring for and seeing another, in the deepest way possible.

Love one hundred percent saved me and is giving me a reason to go forward. Love is the most powerful force and when all else may be falling apart in chaos, putting our attention towards this force will make it okay, whatever ends up happening ultimately. I am grateful to be alive and for this second chance to really experience with open eyes.